I first found out I was pregnant at the end of October 2018. I was attending Queen of the Kingdom. And I realized that I was 2 weeks late for my period. I new I was late because about 6 months previously, I used a couple herbs, which balanced my hormones and regulated my periods.
I was not expecting to be pregnant. It was not planned. And I know that so many people struggle with getting pregnant and have fertility struggles. I am grateful that I do not, and I give energy work, specifically the Emotion Code much of the credit. I was shocked to say the least. I did not really feel happy about it. Not that I wouldn't love the baby. It was all out of my timing. I was giving so much energy into growing my business. And I was finding success. I also had plans to get the metal out of my elbow in early December or late November. I still set an appointment to go to my surgeon to see if it was an option, even though in my gut, I knew that it wasn't the right thing to do while pregant. I guess it that appointment of the doctor letting me know that he didn't advise it if it wasn't needed to finally accept it. I only told one friend shortly after I found out and didn't speak of it much. I told almost no one. I wasn't ready to be pregnant. And I was having lots of struggles in my marriage.
I exercised when I could. Creighton was working 13 hours 3 days a week and normal 8-5 hours the other 2 days. It was a very stressful time. And it was hard to wake up early to get the gym because I didn't have childcare yet. He was struggling with work because the environment was toxic. He was always stressed out as a result. How could I possibly be happy about this pregnancy with so much conflict in my home? I was not the mother I wanted to be. How could I make more space when it felt like we were already cramped in a 3 BR, 1 bathroom home. How would I arrange the sleeping when Juniper was so easy to get to sleep in her own room? These questions and more went through my mind.
And the fact the the moment I told someone, I knew they would be happier for me than I was for myself. This was one of the biggest reasons I didn't tell people. I am not one to announce pregnancy on FB anyway. Creighton did tell his mom. I didn't tell my family until christmas. My sister came to visit from Chicago, and I didn't even tell her. I almost didn't tell my family at Christmas. The way that I announced it was giving my family a little fetus plastic baby with #15 on it, representing grandchild #15. It got mixed up with other gifts and it created a discussion of who's it could be. We had Christmas in Utah, so I wasn't there. My family was happy. But really, because of all the work I was doing, not exercising as much as I wanted, not getting the self-care I needed, I fell into depression and discouragement often. I gave it everything I had just to make December a happy memory despite the struggles I was experiencing.
In January, it started out difficult for reasons I will not put here. My heart was filled with sorrow. And I felt broken. Creighton signed my kids up for child care, and with that I started going back to the gym 4-5 times a week and a routine was established. I started getting some new friendships and got my body moving in a new way. I got a vision board up on my wall. At this point, most people still didn't know. When I was about 19 weeks pregnant, I was holding a RS committee meeting at my house and they asked if I was pregnant. With that, the RS presidency found out. What bugged me was that they didn't ask if it was okay to tell them. They just did. Then all of a sudden, people started asking me. Creighton also noted that I looked "bigger" this time. The nice thing about being pregnant in the winter is that pregnancy is easy to hid with having to wear coats and loose clothes hide it well too.
It became more real when I saw the baby on the ultrasound for the first time. It must have been around 20 weeks. The baby was flipping and moving a lot. With having an anterior placenta, I did not feel as much. The moment I saw the baby was probably the first connection I had. It brought the first moment of excitement and was also the only appointment Creighton was able to make. Now that I was "growing", my pregnancy was becoming more noticeable. People were asking me when I was due, and I honestly had no idea. I would say sometime in July. I just never asked my midwife and I never had an early ultrasound. I finally asked my midwife, and according to the ultrasound, it was June 13th and according to my period, it was June 20th. My intution said it was sooner that I would expect, and it was. I wad thinking JULY. Even in February, my belly was not super noticable depending on my clothing. But, I was becoming more open about it in general. I went to a retreat in February, which was SO healing for me. I desperately needed this 4 day break from taking care of everyone else to just taking care of me. It was like a sleepover for women. I loved it.
The last 3 1/2 months, have flown by. I can't even tell you how fast it has felt. When someone notices, my response has been "Surprise!". Rachel, my friend from the gym noticed one day. I also went to a retreat in April for self-care. I am really loving going to retreats. I have been putting so much energy into my business, my kids, my husband, the house, managing finances etc, that it has been harder to connect to the baby and connect to the pregnancy. Creighton has asked me if I connected to the baby, being sincere, and it has triggered emotions.
Despite not feeling fully connected to the pregnancy, I have been exercising 4-5 times a week since January. I have been on and off with my supplements. Focused on getting my body foods that it needs. And baby has been growing and moving often. Somehow, I hit 30 weeks, and now 37 weeks. I hit a point about 2 weeks ago almost where I felt overwhelmed because there has been alot of my shoulders. I realized that I needed to repriortize. Put God first again (even though I tried to have him be #1). My body was telling me to SLOW down. And didn't want to. I was scared to. When it had been so easy in other pregnancies to allow myself to slow down, this time, I wanted to keep going on overdrive. I had some massive emotional release and since then, I have felt more at peace. Go with the flow. Let it slow down if needed and allow clients to come.
In the last month, pregnancy has been on my mind to get ready. Because fears were coming up. Fears of going through the "pain" of labor. Having my vagina stretch open to push the baby out, and then having to recover. Not wanting to recover. Knowing how much my family and kids need me to be strong. I AM making preparations physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have been having predomal tightening for a couple weeks, but I am not concerned. I am using the tools I have learned and really doing them. I listen to empowering statements and stories in MY own voice.
Here is what I am doing to work through fears that have come to me, because let's be real. They have. And I am taking steps to work through them.
1. Writing out what I'm feeling and burning it.
2. Writing a set of birth declarations to address each fear and worry. And I have recorded it in my phone and I listen it each morning
3. Started listening to hypno baby soundtracks.
4. Started watching positive birth videos
5. Saying what I love about my body and giving it gratitude.
6. Changing my language of how I talk about it birth in my head. The subconscious mind likes to take over and bring up the fears. So I say to my brain, actually the truth is..... And I look for evidence to support what is more empowering.
7. Getting energy work done.
2. Writing a set of birth declarations to address each fear and worry. And I have recorded it in my phone and I listen it each morning
3. Started listening to hypno baby soundtracks.
4. Started watching positive birth videos
5. Saying what I love about my body and giving it gratitude.
6. Changing my language of how I talk about it birth in my head. The subconscious mind likes to take over and bring up the fears. So I say to my brain, actually the truth is..... And I look for evidence to support what is more empowering.
7. Getting energy work done.
There is more I will be doing in the next 3-5 weeks. But it truly takes looking inward at the emotions and what we need to learn from them.
This post is what I have put up in Utah Birth Forum. I believe we can heal, work through, and move past fears. I am becoming more confident, more empowered, and more proactive in helping myself emotionally and mentally. I am taking naps when I need them. I am preparing for my birth. I feel it in my soul that I am to be an example of how to create my ideal birth happen. How to have an empowering experience. What to do to make that happen. Because birth is an experience that I (and you) will always remember. It can break one or emppower one. I recently went to the temple and had a reiki session that was amazing. It opened my eyes in ways I did not expect. I have been listening to Hypno babies and that has helped connect positive thoughts and emotions, and connect me to baby better. This baby is a surprise gender. And that is something I am really looking forward to. I am having a gemstone necklace made for me and baby for my labor.
I have learned so much in the past 3 months. And I see how my AM routine is really impacting my life. I love having an accountiblity group at 7 AM. I love listening to positive statements by ME. I am getting more comfortable with my own voice. I am still creating my vision for birth, which has been a bit more challenging this time around. I have a birth photographer set. Heidi is my doula again. And I know somehow it will all work out. I have somewhere between 3-5 weeks left in this pregnancy. I have the mindset of being 2 weeks late, because I have always been late and to help with my own mindset. I still feel nervous. I am about 75% emotionally ready for labor.
What I want people to know, is even though it seems like I may think I have all the answers, I don't. I do not claim to. I know from experience how it feels to be depressed, to fall down and feel like I am at the bottom of a pit. That there is no hope and no way out. I know how it feels to want to die. To give up and disappear. I know how it feels to be disrespected, to feel broken. I may not be you and I have not walked in your shoes. But in some way, I can related. Life has taught me many lessons. Lessons I never wanted to learn. Through them, I am stronger. I am also learning how to let go and empower myself, to not let my circumstances drag me down. I am learning to actively tale steps so that I move out of the negative cycles.
I will keep on standing out because I have messages to be shared. I overcome fear. And I allow myself to feel without guilt. And I can help you.
Look out cause here I come.
I am marching off to the beat I drum..
I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies.
This is me.
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