I found out I was pregnant about April or May. Previous to becoming pregnant, I was working on my B vitamins. And getting my energy levels up, and using iron better. And I really felt like there was no way I could be pregnant. After it felt like i was getting my energy levels back, and one day my digestion was off again. So i kept doing things to get my digestion back like enzymes, probiotics, supplements that help with cleansing etc. B vitamins for my energy levels. I was just so tired. And I felt depleted. I went to the aquarium with Andrea while River and Xavier were playing and I was sitting on the ground telling her my digestion was off, and I was so tired. She said that maybe I was pregnant? "No, its not possible." was my reply. "You have to do the thing to be pregnant, and my libido was extremely low. ANd honestly I had a lot of trauma with it too.
Some time went by. I was still feeling super exhausted. I had my foot zone class with Janae and Aubrey. Janae was practicing, and I told what my intention was and what I wanted to address- which was fatigue, exhaustion, and digestion. "Maybe your pregnant?" No, its not possible was my response again. But this time, there was a very small voice in my head that said... "well...maybe..."
So the next monday I took a test and there was a bright line for "PREGNANT". It was seconds after I took the test. "crap was my response" in my head. I showed creighton. He wasn't excited but he was also not rejecting it. I couldn't quite take it in. It was a quiet sort of shock I guess. I realized that what I was actually experiencing was nausea and exhaustion with pregnancy. I had some disappointment too because I had goals with my body with the aerial fitness as well, and I felt like it was going to interfere with those goals. I was in denial really. I told a couple people who i could confide in.
It was a few weeks or a month later that I had a psychotic episode on the weekend. I was SO angry and upset about being pregnant. I was mad at Creighton, at the circumstances. I blew up, and It was not me. I told him it HIS fault. And that I didn't want to be pregnant. It was a horrible weekend where I felt so much internal darkness.
I knew I was in denial, though I was still taking care of my body. I went to my pole, silk, some hammock, and hoop classes. I wanted to keep going and doing as long as I could. There was justa few people that I had told, but it wasn't noticeable for so long. In May, I started prepping for the aerial showcase at the studio. I hired Suzie (one of the instructors) to create a pole routine for me. I had about 8-10 private lessons with her through May, June, and July. I felt nausea for about 3-4 months. Things that I felt helped were energy work to figure out some roots, emotional release, movement, and kambucha. I'd leave the studio not feeling nauseous. I did feel dizzy a lot of the pole though. Its pretty amazing what I could do that summer! We did long hikes in Moab, zions national park, and cottonwood canyon. My niece got married August 4th. That was the same night as the showcase. I did both. I took pictures at the recpetion, and went to the shoawcase, performed, and then back to the recpetion. It was exhilerating. I was so proud of myself. I performed at 19 weeks pregnant. That was awesome. There were days that i would go to the studio for 3 hours. One hour with Suzie, pole 1 and pole 2 class. Which prepped me so well for the performance.
We stayed busy all summer with activites, sports, the lake, and vacations so I did not spend a lot of time thinking about the pregnancy. So I didn't have an ultrasound yet. The girls did softball in the spring, and that is when I felt the most nausea. It was such a busy schedule with 3 girls in softball. I didn't feel nausea when I was in alignment with myself and what was protiorty. GOing to the pole and aerial classes brought me joy and I almost always felt better after going.
Dansa:
The song she sang about what i wanted resonated so strongly with me, because this whole pregnancy i did make a lot of it from what I wanted versus, what god wanted. or my timing versus God's timing. And I think its about both. And making sure to tune it to God's will.
The next few months really flew by. With the holidays, going to disney, marketing to students. it was a lot. I did as much as I could for as long as I could. Concerns and questions came more often as I got closer to birth. I think I overwall fekt numb. I was about 5 months pregnant, and someone at church noticed. And I officually could not hide it. And it was at that point, when i go a congratulations that I could choose. I chose to say thank you and accept the joy they had for me. I felt like i got bigger quickly after being 6months pregnant. But i stayed very active, listened to my body. I was going to muscle activation to help with my qrist recovery and I feel like it helped a lot but I always felt theywas soemthing or someone better for me. But it still helped. Sadly, Joseph Levi committed suicide a few weeks before I gave birth. Being active kept me going. People always meantioned how "cute" i was. I really enjoyed the hoops class I went to that couple weeks. It was so fun learning choreography to a song.
I was so set on giving birth a week or so after 40 weeks, but i didn't consider that my baby would be ready sooner. He was born at 29 weeks and I had a full day of early labor to help me process and let go and embrace Babys timing/ Gods timing. Tune into the next post for his birth!
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