Post-partum

I didn't realize how much I forgot about how it feels just after having a baby! People have babies all the time and we hear-" congrats! So happy for you!!.. etc". And I think that we as a society forget what that may feeling feeling like physically and emotionally. I say this, because I have been that person so says a simple congrats and leaves it at that.

Here is what it feels like:
Right after giving birth, you that sense of relief! That relief that you are done with labor and the euphoria of holding your new baby. My bottom area felt so sore still. It hurt, but I wasn't focused on it. When the birth attendant was checking me after for tears- it was sharp pains. Moving right after having a baby hurts. Walking, you need assistance to even sit on the toilet. Basically, it feels like you were run over by a truck. 24 hours before I gave birth, I was at the gym working out and felt super strong. Giving birth, I was left needing to lay down and sleep because all the energy I had was gone.

The first day:
Complete exhaustion. I felt SO tired. All I wanted was to sleep yet it was hard to. I have to ask for everything I need. And it was awkward nursing because i had to lay down.

Blood comes out everytime I pee. I have a garbage bage of bloody pads. And I am wearing a depends diaper. There are pads on the bed so I don't bleed on the bed. And while I can walk 24 hours later without assistance. I shouldn't. And when I have walked today, which isn't much, its been very careful and slow. My tailbone is sore from sitting. And the afterpains still come, though they are not as intense. I take arnica every hour. and IBP each day. And I never take IBP any other time.

Day 2:
I can move a bit more, though I shouldn't. My tailbone is so achy. I walk very slow, and I have gone through several pads, with blood flowing out whener I pee. (Too much detail, don't read!) With the afterpains, I have to stop and even breathe through them. The IBP didn't quite cut it. I have been taking arnica homeopathics to help with bleeding, swelling, inflammation etc. I started pumping with Haakaa and I LOVE it. So much more convenient that plugging a big bag with a pump in it and hooking up the right cords. I pump while I nurse. Liquid GOLD. I slept while my baby slept bc I still felt like I had been hit by a truck and was exhausted. I felt more rested by later in the afternoon. River is nursing really well. and he almost never stops eating. Seriously. My girls nursed a lot... but he does not stop. He is getting cuter and cuter. As the swelling goes down, he looks more and more like my girls. He started opening his eyes slightly. Not much, but I think he will have blue eyes.

The girls LOVE their baby borther, even Juniper. She gives him nice soft kisses and has officially stopped nursing. SHe has also started acting up more, but she is also 2 years old. I had to keep my legs closed most of the day because I had a slight tear, that I really did not want any stitches for.. One thing that is amazing is the frozen pads with the sitz tea on it. Soothing for a sore bum.

Day 3:
I am feeling less sore than before. But still sore. I'd say it was similar to yesyerday. WIth creighton being home with the girls, it was less relaxing because the girls were always coming in and out. I didn't get as much sleep, as I would have liked. I think I felt more stress really. I had some visiters which is always nice. Becky Bench has been an angel in my life, making sure I am nourished. Rachel came by to visit with her girls and that was fun as well. I am staying in compfy clothes and my hair has been up in a bun. Still some uterus pains, but not as intense. There was some emotional conflict in the evening. I felt so sad.

River measured at 8 lbs 3 oz today, which is normal for a newborn to lose a few lbs. He is healthy and happy and loved.

Day 4:
I did way more than I should have. Mostly bc we had newborn pics, which we had to go to SL for. But it was worth it. I think they are going to turn out amazing. I got up a lot. PHysically, I am feeling less sore in my vaginal area with les sbleeding. More of the soreness is in my glutes and tailbone. I think I need a chiropractic appointment. Emotionally, I felt some stress because I felt like I "had" to do things and get up bc C was not doing it. I've got to get better with letting things be messy sometimes.

1 week:
At one week, I was feeling a lot better and over-estimated what I could do. I even went to the relief society midweek activity. Needless to say, the next day I was paying for it. My lady parts were more sore and I started bleeding more. But overall doing well. We enjoyed our 4th of July holiday. I stayed home because I was feeling sore while my kids and creighton went to see the parade. We hung out at home and did small fireworks. We roasted marshmellows in the firepit. And Creighton walked the girls around the neighborhood to see fireworks. I stayed home with River and rested my rump.

2 weeks:
I am bleeding much less and its more of a yellow discharge. My body was not liking the pads from the store with the plastic and GMO cotton. It caused irritation. I had had soo much support with friends and my ward, and husband helping watch my kids so I could rest. I cannot give enough thanks to express how much it has helped.

3 weeks:
I am generally feeling much less sore. But I do feel like the late nights and waking up to nurse 4x a night is catching up. I have been feeling exhausted for that reason alone. I started to feel some resentment and frustration because I had to do more around the house. Granted, my husband has been helping a ton- I know he was feeling more tired and exhausted overall. RIght now, I am just over the hump of 3 weeks pp, and Creighton is out of town helping my parents move some of their things out to Utah. And other than feeling so tired, I feel pretty good. I have had lots of help with week with watching my kids, and This has really helped my mental and emotional state because its given me a chance to catch up on some sleep. I want to be doing more and taking my kids to lots of fun places but I know that its best to keep it simple.

4 weeks:
I don't know what happened this week, but this week has kicked my butt. Kicked my butt and knocked me down over and over again. I have felt buttons being pushed that have triggered emotions like anger, rage, grief, sadness, sorrow, and depression. All I can do is cry. From Sunday morning with taking my kids to church by myself, to feeling conflict on Tuesday, then Wednesday which was actually a very small incident, and then once again triggered on Thursday. But this time, I blew up. While my husband tried to get me to open up, I didn't express what was going on in my heart and mind. And I didn't make the time to care for me in the ways I knew I needed.
 I think that a big part of it was feeling overwhelmed with finances bc our swamp cooler broke last weekend and its been 100 degrees, not having exercise and yoga as my normal outlet, making lots of the 'not fun' phone calls to schedule appointments to get estimates for central air, waking up every 2-3 hours and not getting enough restful sleep- is all affecting me.
But because I did not do my self-care, and I slacked on my AMPM routine which helps me to let go of stress and empower myself, I fell multiple times this week down that slippery slide of despair. And it hit rock bottom yesterday.